[THE COMPETITION] Outlines w. Hickman Feedback, PART 2

When you have fun, we have fun.

And here’s the second half of these.

Again, good job on all these. I hate that half of them aren’t going to make it, but those are the rules of the game.

[THE COMPETITION] Outlines w. Hickman Feedback, PART 1

On we go...

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STARS, LIKE WATCHFUL EYES
by Y. Lu

We begin with Halbeth, royal of Heir, high on life. He’s on the balcony of his hotel suite, built into a Therran cliff face, next to a dazzling waterfall where exotic fish swim up the cascade. Expensive drink in hand, he reflects on how life is blessed, life is grand. “In a life such as this, anything is possible.” He’s catching up with his childhood friend Swiftt over encrypted communication tech. From the conversation, we get a sense of the closeness and longevity of their bond. At chat’s end, Swiftt says that you-know-who has a found a lead and will be at Halbeth’s location in three days. He’d better skedaddle. Three days later, an assassin barges into Halbeth’s now empty suite.

Nice.

Rewind to six months earlier: Halbeth and Swiftt enact their grand plan. At separate locations, they each engage the services of an assassin against the other. Halbeth hires someone named Myr and Swiftt selects one White Wendra. Swiftt hams up his hatred for Halbeth; he wants to savor all the details of his rival’s slowly encroaching end, and so he asks Wendra to keep him up to date on her progress. (And Halbeth has a similar conversation on his end with Myr.) The two royals then meet in secret and review the plan (thereby explaining it to the reader): As long as they keep each other aware of the assassins’ progress, they can always stay one step ahead of them, stay alive. And as long as this duel doesn’t conclude, nobody can engage them in a new one. They’ve escaped the great game that would otherwise have been their birthright.

We knew what we were getting into with this pitch, but I want to bring up a point for everyone, and you/Yu, to consider:

This is a pitch that circles around a plot point that conceptually ‘breaks’ one of the primal ways that we constructed a 3W3M world : “How to cleverly defeat ‘duels.’”

It’s deconstructionist in a way that a lot of stories are now (also, as an aside, I also think we’re on the down side of that trend), and this would normally have been immediately rejected.

BUT, this writer had not one, or two, but three pitches make our final 40 or whatever the number was, and this pitch was, in my opinion (and boy does that matter here), the best of the lot.

So we’re going to run this out.

However, this is something you should always keep in mind when pitching into a pre-existing (no matter how new) universe. Is it additive, or does it break something?

You guys might want to keep that in mind.

We get a brief montage-ish sequence of the assassins’ decided lack of success over months: Charging into an empty, vacated apartment; showing up at a spaceport too late, etc. As it progresses, we see visual cues that they’re getting ever more desperate: Myr has some exotic hunting beast with him now, Wendra barges into a room while packing some Wile E. Coyote-on-acid contraption, etc.

In alternating sequences, we see Halbeth and Swiftt in locations throughout the Solsistemo, living their itinerant lives. They start becoming ever more suspicious of one another, as it sinks in that the other could choose to not uphold his end of the bargain at any point. They don’t think that will happen given their friendship, but there’s that inescapable, nagging doubt. On Akva, Halbeth overanalyzes a stray comment from Swiftt in their encrypted conversation for signs of resentment. On Therra, Swiftt reads too much into a delay from Halbeth’s latest message. And so on. As paranoia grows, they give up on certain pleasures. After thinking he caught a glimpse of Wendra between the stacks of an Ordo Biblioteka, Halbeth decides he doesn’t need to read so many Akvan religious epics. Swiftt decides to forgo homes with expensive views when he realizes how easily a sniper could get him. Both men’s lives shrink. These scenes carry us across three years into…

A scene paralleling the story’s first scene. Three years into the scheme, Halbeth is in a considerably less glamorous hotel room. He tells himself once more of how life is blessed, how life is grand. But to the reader the words now read hollow and desperate, as we see the paranoid existence he is eking out, too worried to go outside, to do much of anything. Always wondering if this will be the day Swiftt reneges, and the assassin shows up at the door. Because for the rest of his days, the possibility will dangle. “In a life such as this, anything is possible.”

And so we get to the point that ‘not losing isn’t winning,’ which mitigates the earlier concerns that this kind of pitch would have.

Epilogue: Myr breaks down a door to find… White Wendra and a stranger. She explains they both chased the same lead but it was actually this completely unrelated Heir royal on the run here. The young man stands in the corner awkwardly as the assassins commiserate over how goddamned hard this assignment has turned out to be. Myr shares the latest rumor: That he and Wendra are working together, delaying their kills so that they don’t have to take on a new assignment. Wendra, after a beat: “Gods, can you believe the crap people will believe?”

And you throw in a reversal, and a wink, as icing on the cake.

Well done.

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UNTITLED
by Randall Avilez

We open in one of the many brightly lit concourses in the Library City. A new exhibition is being shown based on the new archeological findings of VIKE, the Library’s Head Archivist and pulp adventurer (in the vein of Doc Savage or Indiana Jones). VIKE and the Head Librarian H’DAMA walk together and discuss the further curation of the new finds. The tone is one of a friendly exchange between colleagues until H’DAMA mentions something called, “The Apostate’s Reliquary”, an ancient artifact rumored to be the last piece of a lost civilization. VIKE rebuffs at first but when H’DAMA is a bit too eager to examine it, VIKE shuts him down sternly and leaves the meeting suspicious.

Then we meet H’DAMA’s assistant, LULA, and reveal that the Lab has tasked H’DAMA with finding this artifact by any means necessary. They go to an abandoned section of the library to access an old archive server. They sneak through a book graveyard where books and other forgotten analog media are piled high into maze-like stacks. They find a catalog of the most recently used vaults but are chased away by a mysterious figure before they can get any more. It’s a noir-ish chase through the stacks and back alleys. Eventually they lose the tale and make a plan to search each of the listed vaults, physically.

Next we get a little montage of them exploring the City to find each hidden vault, all while evading the notice of VIKE and other Archivists. I wanna get wild with it, exploring towers that touch the clouds, and down into the sewers and catacombs; The design of the City should evoke both Borges’ Library of Babel and Piranesi’s “Imaginary Prisons”. I want bookcases made into mazes and gardens, filled with tent cities of wanderers, and Pages riding on those wheeled staircase thingies around stacks of books like Venetian gondolas. Just push the concept of “Library City” as far as we can.

I really love the picture you’re painting here.

I’m personally of the belief that you can substitute environment for action in comics and almost always get away with it if you’re working with the right artist.

It’s kind of a staple of older French BD and manga.

Good choice.

Then it comes to the last vault. “It’s got to be this one”, thinks H’DAMA as he sets out, this time without LULA in tow. With VIKE expected to arrive back soon, H’DAMA can’t wait. He sets out and finds a hidden Vault in the graffitied wall of a lofty tower. It opens and he sees, not a book or scroll or anything like that… but a huge metal box, the size of what we'd call a shed or garage. It is bronze or copper and engraved with elaborate designs of old gods and holy warriors. A greenish glow emits through small grates placed around the bottom and top of the walls.

It shouldn’t be the ‘last’ vault. That’s just luck, or bad luck, depending on how you look at it. I’d add a more significant reason here.

A call to adventure, or crossing the threshold type of thing.

H’DAMA is about to approach it when VIKE reveals himself! At first, H’DAMA tries to reason or bargain with VIKE, but when that fails he lunges for a weapon, a stone figure, to defend himself with. VIKE, however, easily overpowers him. He drags him towards the bronze cage and points to some hieroglyphics. “This is a warning”, he tells H’DAMA, to open it would let loose some vast, incomprehensible evil. H’DAMA counters that neither of them could know for sure. VIKE admits as much but decidedly tells him it is his job to decide what these “little scholars get to play with”. He strangles H’DAMA in the vault and leaves his body there. After this I’d like to end with an epilogue page of the assistant LULA, maybe going to check the vault after and finding the body and approaching the glowing cage.

And I think if you’re going to end with a hook, you need to set it deeper with a more significant teaser.

The body’s gone, or transformed, or a trail of blood leading into the glowing cage.

Something that really makes us want more.

But overall, great job. Loved all the visuals.

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THE RISE & FALL OF THE MOTO MAJESTIC
by Thom Dunn

A note up top here. Thom turned in the most polished pitch. Just top notch, well-designed presentation. Now, you get no points for that, Thom, as it wasn’t part of the exercise, but I do appreciate that you knew who your audience was.

The Moto Majestic -- lead singer Phox, mbassko player Ceilid, melodian Xinoq, and robo-drummer Jehru -- are playing at a bar on Heir, having a blast together despite the uninterested audience.An assassin duel bursts through the room, knocking Phox to the floor and damaging Jehru. Ceilid steps up to the microphone with her eyes closed and briefly flashes backs to her childhood on Akva. She subconsciously recalls a melody from her youth and begins to sing. Xinoq does his best to follow along. The music, like magic, captivates the crowd, enough to bring the duel to a swift end as the audience cheers on.

Nice.

After the show, the band is shocked to learn that the Harmonio algorithm that determines the value of their performance has paid out more khoin than they ever imagined they would make. This gives Phox an idea ...

The crowd at the next Moto Majestic gig is much larger and more attentive. Phox acts more like a conductor this time, guiding the band to serve the Higher Path by underscoring the evening with an ambient improvisational jam.A bored Xinoq plays along. Phox cues Ceilid to sing, but she hesitates, scared to share the power of the songs. She ultimately relents -- and once again, it pays off in Harmonio.

There was a discussion with editorial about this story and how, exactly, the music of this would be depicted on the page.

I am pretty curious about what the solution would be.

A month later, there's an even bigger crowd assembled to see the band, but tensions are growing between the musicians. That night, Ceilid notices a familiar face in the crowd. She confronts the woman after the show, who reveals herself to be one of the Sankta Soldato, an agent of the Filth Priests. The woman compliments Ceilid's singing, then brushes Ceilid's hair aside to reveal the fengro de dioj scar on her head. Across the bar, Phox goes to settle up with the bartender, only to learn that Harmonio has determined that the band deserves more money than the bar can afford to pay. A Syndicate member named Domo overhears the dispute, and offers to help ... for a price.

Back at the band's rehearsal space, Ceilid is furious that Phox has gotten them involved in Syndicate business; she despises crime, and prefers to put her faith in the Higher Path. Xinoq tries to mediate, invoking the Vetludi code. "Whatever is held must always be wagered; he says. And what they hold is music. Which is why he thinks they should go back to playing their old songs again. Jehru agrees.

But this strategy backfires when Domo offers to finance a recording session in a bio-mechanical studio inside of an echo chamber that funnels the amplified frequencies into the mouth of a strange space creature, which uses its chemical-coated claws to scratch the sonic vibrations into a special media disk (Obviously). Ceilid tries to change her melodies during the session, but a desperate Phox calls her on it. Domo takes a brief break from entertaining his Syndicate guests to say it doesn't matter, as long as they keep making him money.

The band moves on to a larger venue, where Domo sells posts and other merchandise, then pockets the cash (without giving the band a a cut, of course) During the show, Ceilid sees an Akvan pirate warlord standing in the back with Domo, which triggers more memories of her childhood, causing her to mess up while singing her melodies. With the spell of the song broken, several assassin duels converge on the crowd, resulting in a riot. The band is rushed to safety by Domo's lackey and introduced to the pirate warlord, Argaed, who wants them to perform for him on his next vojogonto trip back to Akva. As they talk over the details, Domo's lackey interrupts to announce that the Harmonio algorithm somehow cost them tens of thousands in khoin that night.A furious Domo blames this on Phox, and beats them to a pulp in retaliation. Ceilid fears that this is all karmic retribution for her blasphemy, and when the band regroups in a hotel room after the show, she confesses the truth about her background: she was raised by the Filth Priests, and the melodies she sang came from the hymns she learned as a child. Phox confesses something, too: they're an Exiled Royal, and Domo has also been making money off the duel wagers on their life. Both Ceilid and Phox are terrified to take the vojogonto gig, but the band agrees they don't have a choice.

I’m going to jump in right here and note that all of this feels quite long if you DO NOT want to truncate your ending (which is strong and you shouldn’t).

So I think, if we’re talking about a 20-page story, then somewhere in the two paragraphs above, you need to find a way to streamline the narrative.

I could be wrong, and you never REALLY know until it’s on the page, but it reads that way.

Just something to keep in mind.

From Argaed's suite on the vojogonto, the band looks down at the frantic crowd full of Therrans and Ordons who have gathered to watch the Moto Majestic in their first off-Heir performance. Xinoq reminds the band once again that what's held must be wagered, but the moment is interrupted when Domo throws his arm around Phox like an old buddy and tells them that it's showtime. The band takes the stage -- in a glass dome, backlit by stunning views of crystalline plaque and crackling Mallumia Matero fields -- and without a word, they launch back into their old material, playing the same song we saw at the beginning instead of the boring algorithmic muzak that brought them so much fortune. The audience is furious, but not as much as Domo, who flips out and attacks the band after the show when he realizes how much money he's just lost because of them. But the fight comes to an abrupt end when Argaed the Akvan pirate puts a bullet right between Domo's eyes. In private, he reveals his own fengro de dioj to Ceilid. He tells her that he was hoping to hear her sing the hymns again, but now it's time for her to come home. Ceilid realizes that this is actually how the band had been serving the Higher Path and earning Harmonio -- by reconnecting her with the church, where she belongs. The band shares a heartfelt farewell as the vojogonto lands on Akva, and Ceilid disembarks with Argaed to embrace her destiny as a Crusader against Yoda-in-Damnation.

So this is kind of like Cloud Atlas meets That Thing You Do! filtered through all of our nonsense. I can think of maybe ten reasons why it shouldn’t work, but it does.

And if it works, it works. Though I still think you have a length problem.

But good job.

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UNTITLED
by Paris Gh

PREAMBLE: I pitched a grand adventure spanning the entire 3W3M landscape. This one-shot will be the tail-end of one arc of that story, revolving around a fragment to the larger mystery. All names are temporary place-holders. I was either not thinking about them at all or having a little too much fun.

Okay. Noted. Proceed.

SET-UP: The journey of our protagonist trio (AKVA/ORDO/FAYRII) has led them to THE VOJO-ROTUNDO CRUISE SHIP & THEME-PARK to find an important piece of the puzzle. After spending four months on the ship, conducting rag-tag reconnaissance, they finally know the where and the when and the how. But before they are ready to execute their plans, the other players in this elaborate game are forcing them to act now.

There’s a version of pitching where it’s obvious that the person writing it is having just a delightful time and you feel like you’re in on all the jokes.

It’s a subtle thing and a fine line to toe, but if you can pull it off, it really works.

OPENING SEQUENCE: While the ship is in port and security is stretched to its limits for an 8-hour period, GASTON SCRÖÖPERBOTTOM IV, a cocky master thief, performs an elaborate heist with a menagerie of highly-skilled experts, to steal the same unnamed object the trio is after. They break into the top-floor vault of THE SOCKDOLAGER CASINO on the ship, only to find nothing there. (ORDO gave them false information earlier in the story with a terrible disguise.) The team is discovered, arrested and then questioned by the ship’s head honcho, MacDADDY SoSWEET, who then deploys the ship’s ultimate non-violent security force, THE AVANT GARDE, as well as his personal guards, POUND CAKE & HONEY BOOBOO, to protect the object that everyone seeks.

See my note above.

As this takes place in the 7th hour, AKVA already stands in front of the real vault. Underneath the casino is a secret inverted mechanical pyramid that is not on any schematic. It consists of descending levels of regressing technology through the centuries, which requires a complicated series of codes and maneuvers to pass through each one. Any misstep could result in deadly consequences. From a remote location, ORDO and FAYRII feed the final code through a static-ridden comm link, which AKVA cautiously enters.

Inside lies a single piece of paper on which is the last hand-written couplet by a former Sublime Poet of Therra. The couplet is actually a riddle obfuscated by the structure of a “garden path sentence.” Once solved, the answer will reveal the key needed to translate a cipher journal and hopefully lead them towards their destination. But they do not know this and there’s no time to figure it out. AKVA needs to find the others and get the hell out of there.

This is great. Super fun.

When AKVA exits the vault, the Avant Garde has already infested the tech-pyramid. However, the darkness and cramped corridors make it difficult for them to move in their normal “horde” formation, making them grope around in clusters. Using the patchwork tech-suit made by FAYRII, AKVA is able to get by them, only to come face to face with Pound Cake and Honey Booboo. AKVA gets their (singular) ass handed to them in a comical-fashion, but lasts longer than anyone expected. ORDO and FAYRII finally rescue him from certain death with a vehicle FAYRI constructed out of garbage and are able to escape as the ship leaves the port.

This is where I think you’ve made a bit of a mistake. I understand completely what you were going for, and it’s clear that this is structurally a key to unlock a bigger thing, but I’m not sure punting here at the end is the correct move.

It’s a delightful pitch. One of the better ones, but it’s tough to get past it not being a whole piece - a meal and not an appetizer — which is what everyone else is serving up.

It’s really good though.

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RESIST
by Alison Humphrey

Bridjo’s hopes to pass unnoticed through yet another new school – the tenth in her thirteen years – are about to be dashed. Her mother has been transferred again, this time from Ordo to her home region of Sumtuar, as its new Veristo and delegate to The Fates. Outdoors at lunch, classmates pat her on the back and welcome her “home”, cheering her up until a boy pulls off her jacket. He turns it around to show her a mass of strange, contorted handprints. A water balloon filled with dye explodes between them, and the boy trades insults with the dye-bombers on the school roof before inviting her to his workplace to clean up.

Denas is a prentice to the Majstro of one of Sumtuar’s renowned Clothyards, modo domoj to the royal houses of Fayrii and Heir. He explains that the handprints are ancient root forms of the semka that decorate Sumtuar textiles. These nine malbeno hexes are mirror images of the nine beno charms – Weakness/Strength, Poverty/Wealth, Rejection/Love... but luckily, waterdye washes out easy. A tea-stirring, Heir-appearing client quips that her mother won’t find the semka so easy to ban. Denas recommends a new outfit to help Bridjo blend in – as his first client, she’ll get a discount! A second stirrer drawls she’d be better off in oilcloth.

Well, some people are turned off by stream of consciousness writing, but not this guy.

What fun.

Back home, Leywi refuses categorically. Rumor control before the upcoming Runway is hard enough without the optics of a Veristo’s daughter in semka. There is no “ban”. There’s an old law against magic symbols, but for generations, Sumtuar has been tying The Institute’s own logic into loopholes: How can the motifs be magic if there’s no proof of efficacy? Bridjo finally cuts a deal to be her mother’s mole in the Yard.

Denas, overjoyed at his first commission, discovers hugs are un-Ordo, but Bridjo is secretly thrilled. She gathers intel, watching the (Syndicate?) Stirrers twist disinformation onto an already volatile grapevine. But when the Majstro comes to inspect the progress on Bridjo’s outfit, he is all kindness, introducing himself as “Your mother’s father’s daughter.”

Bridjo arrives home to learn The Fates have voted to impose a full ban, overriding Leywi’s plea not to play into the Stirrers’ narrative. She hands her mother a package and asks her to decipher the Majstro’s riddle. Decades ago, teenage Leywi begged her father to seek Institute medical care for a hand wound. He listened instead to the previous Majstro, who wrapped first his wrist, then his elbow, then his shoulder in bandages inscribed with Healing symbols. The infection marched past all three to his heart. His only child boycotted the funeral presided over by his killer, so a fellow prentice (now the new Majstro) received his shroud as her proxy until she could unweave it. The sight of the shroud hardens Leywi. Maybe a ban is the only cure.

I’m jumping in here to note that, while I love all this, I’m not sure that it syncs up with how we’ve portrayed ‘magic’ in 3W3M.

Not that I think there should be hard and fast rules, or that I can’t think of a way to reverse-engineer how this might work.

Just wanted to bring it up.

The next day, Bridjo is aghast to discover the prentices adding more semka to their Runway outfits. The Stirrers egg them on. Maybe a riot is the only cure. Denas assures her he’ll be safe, showing the pattern of tiny Protection symbols inked onto his tunic like chainmail. Bridjo spends the night in despair. But dawn finds her pounding on the Majstro’s door with a new design proposal.

Runway Day. The town square. Majstroj and clients, traders and dignitaries, including Leywi and Bridjo, are seated on a stage behind a transparent shield. Relay teams sporting the new looks of twelve Yards parade to the centre of the square, where cords held by the crowd span the space like warp threads on a vast loom. The race begins. Runners weave through the obstacle course, batons tied to a weft thread in their team’s color. As they hurdle and duck, dye-bombers stationed on roofs all around the square try to tag their outfits with an opposing team’s color, to jeers, cheers and laughter from the crowd.

At the final baton pass, Denas drops his robe to reveal an all-white outfit. To Sumtuar eyes, he might as well be naked. The shock distracts the competition, and he pulls into the lead. Then a dye-bomb finds its target and blossoms into a huge Protection semka on his chest – the cloth was invisibly painted with oil to resist the dye in negative space around the symbol. A roar of approval follows Denas as he sails across the finish line. Leywi orders the guards to intercept him. But his teammates get there first, dousing him with water. Clean again, he mounts the stage. Bridjo is jubilant – her plan worked! Denas gets his symbolic gesture and her mother gets a loophole not to arrest him. But then, in full view of all Sumtuar, Denas pulls out a dye-bomb and smashes it on his own chest. He and Leywi both know her next move will spark the riot.

This is a fantastic visual.

Horrified, with seconds to act, Bridjo flings herself at Denas, hugging him tight. The guards pull her off and she turns to embrace her mother, appearing to implore mercy… until she peels away to reveal the Protection charm transferred to Leywi’s chest. Its reverse, an Unprotection hex, is printed on her own, the dye still wet. The crowd erupts in exultation, flooding the stage to carry Denas and Bridjo away on their shoulders, and ostentatiously respecting Leywi’s Protection semka by leaving her untouched, alone.

The next morning, Bridjo comes home, slightly hung over. Leywi is waiting, her resignation already submitted to The Fates. Her report concludes that semka should be treated as sociology, not sorcery. Bridjo teases, “But they protected you.” “Maybe, but yours didn’t unprotect you. What makes a hypothesis testable is falsifiability, not verifiability.” “Where do we go now?” Leywi stares at her hands, at a loss. Bridjo hugs her.

I think with a story laced with the word ‘riot’ and underlined with the ideas surrounding it, that this really needs a stronger ending than ‘it kinda worked out and kinda didn’t and now we embrace.’

Especially when something has this kind of freight train energy the entire time.

That sounds like a negative, but I’m really just looking for an ending that meets the heights of the rest of the story.

You set a very high bar. Which is great. Good job.

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UNTITLED
by Isaac Platizky

ACT I

We open on a young girl, Kylie, being trained in the art of death. In a voice over she mentions there’s an unspoken rule in the world of assassins: “Don’t fall in love with Royals, because you never know when you’ll be hired to kill them.”

Trandor III walks into the house he shares with his cousin to see a female assassin standing over his cousin’s dead body.

Trandor tries to find out who hired the assassin to kill his cousin, and if he’s in danger. Kylie refuses to tell him who hired her but assures Trandor she was just here for his cousin and that she hopes they weren’t close. Trandor assures her they weren’t and asks her if she’d like to go to dinner.

That’s great.

ACT II

Against her better judgement she agrees. Montage of them going to dinner together, going to his cousin’s funeral together, and then going to bed together.

Even better.

Kylie wakes up next to Trandor and realizes she might be falling in love with him. Whoopsie.

Kylie leaves Trandor and returns to her home to find her go between waiting with a new assignment. The assignment is for Trandor. She accepts. What else can she do?

You should add in here that she was going to reject the job, but next up for the gig was Dave the Butcher, who takes three days to kill his target. So, she’s kinda doing him a favor.

The point being that, no matter how good you write it, some readers are going to reject the character no matter what if they choose to take the job willingly.

They have to be compelled.

ACT III

Kylie returns to Trandor’s. He thought he’d never see her again. He embraces her. She doesn’t return the embrace. He can tell something is wrong. Kylie pushes Trandor away.

Trandor falls to the floor. Kylie points a gun at him. Kylie tells him to fight back. Trandor won’t fight back. He loves her. He tells her he loves her.

Kylie screams at him to fight back. She fires the gun, grazing him. He keeps saying, “I love you.” She screams at him to stop saying that.

She throws the gun away and attacks him. He doesn’t fight back.

He’s bleeding badly. She raises her fist for the killing blow. She tells him if she doesn’t complete the assignment she’ll lose everything. He understands. He tells her to do it.

This is good, but again, you should bake into this the same kind of choice she had to make.

(With the bad versions being something like:) Kylie has failed on a job before and if she fails again, then they’re going to kill her.

She drops her fist and slides down to the floor next to him. They are both exhausted physically and mentally. “So what now?” Trandor asks. “I can’t stay here.” Kylie says.

“Who hired you to kill me?” She doesn’t want to tell him. She’s been trained all her life not to. But she’s already broken so many rules. Fuck it.

“It was your father.” Trandor considers this, not completely surprised but disappointed. He turns to Kylie and asks, “Want to go help me kill my dad?”

“Why not? Let’s go make you a king.”

VO: Never fall in love with a Royal, but if you do make sure they fucking win.

Very clean. Super tight structure. With a couple of tweaks you might just have something here.

Perfect one to end on.

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Okay. All winners announced Friday.

-JH

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[THE COMPETITION] takes a break, just for tomorrow, to deliver a brand new episode of THE VALLARS. Then we’ll finish the week by revealing who is advancing to the next round.

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